Review - Street Fighter

When I was a young boy, Street Fighter (on the SNES, mind you) was very important to me. I read the instruction booklet compulsively. I was deeply entwined in the storyline. M.Bison was the epitome of villainy for many years. I even wondered from time to time if he could defeat Darth Vader. Every match, even if I wasn't playing, was riveting and intensely exciting. I bought the Street Fighter G.I. Joe action figures.
Imagine my excitement and subsequent disappointment when that first Street Fighter movie came out. Now imagine my delicate childhood hopes rekindled when I hear that they are remaking Street Fighter.

If you've no taste for my long winded and arguably insane prose, I will give you the short version of the article now: "This movie was awful. Please do not go see it."

If, on the other hand, you'd care to indulge my rage-fueled tirade then please read on. While I do not hate you, the reader, I will say that I'm going to spoil the movie for you. It is for your own good. If you don't go see it, no one will have enough money to make a sequel. The fewer people that see this movie, the faster it will be pulled out of the movie theatres and buried in the middle of the desert, in concrete. Seriously, this is a goddamn public service announcement.

First Problem: This movie was not at all related to Street Fighter. It took Street Fighter names for people, and organizations, and then made a movie that had absolutely nothing to do with Street Fighter while also neglecting to include several major characters. Despite over 10 years of source material, established stories, etc, some "creative" jacktard decided that he could write the story in a better way. Thanks to this influence Chung Li is a concert pianist, as opposed to a fighter driven to be "the strongest woman in the world", or even an Interpol agent. Bison begins as an Irish baby with cholera that becomes a ruthless businessman/ midwife with no "psycho powers" whatsoever. Gen, a terminally ill assassin in the street fighter games, is here turned into the head the benevolent 'Order of the Web' (An apt name for a completely transparent plot device that feebly strings segments of the movie together).

Charlie Nash is now no longer remotely connected to his game incarnation, as the powers that be have replaced a cool military bad ass with a scruffy looking cop played by an irritating and feeble Keanu Reeves wannabe. Just about the only character I don't have a problem with is Balrog, who is an evil and uncomplicated boxer played by an equally uncomplicated Michael Clarke Duncan. Congratulations, Street Fighter, you got this one down- a character that hits things and enjoys it. That accurate portrayal sure soothed my uncomprehending rage when I found out that the other characters were horrible, misshapen mockeries associated with Street Fighter by name only. I can't really imagine how the sales pitch for this shit even went down.

Writer1: "...Okay, but for this film we'll have him be a ruthless businessman- yeah, that's how he'll come to power!"
Writer2: "Okay, that sort of works. What about all the other stuff?"
Writer1: "What other stuff? You think he needs to be more evil? He's a slum lord for chrissakes."
Writer2: "Well, all my research indicates that 'Bison' wears capes and armor, flies, has incredible psychic powers and may be in some way immortal."
Writer1: "Psychic pow-? C'mon man, scrap that idea. No one's going to buy that. We're not turning him into Ms. Cleo. No one's afraid of Ms. Cleo. Everyone's afraid of big business."

My second problem has less to do with the 'canon' of SF and more to do with the tone of the movie itself. It can't seem to decide if its going to do the 'mystical energy' thing or not. One would assume that because Bison does none of his usual flying, burning, psycho-crushing antics that the movie is going for a 'realistic' tone. However, later on Gen and Chun Li summon balls of energy, and Bison is able to make himself 'completely evil' by taking his new wife to a secret mystical cave and pulling a baby out of her (Definitely one of the film's low points). Chun Li's signature 'Spinning Bird Kick', while artfully set up, is poorly executed, and ends up as nothing more than a silly handstand. Where are you taking us on this one, Street Fighter? Can we shoot mystical energy or can't we? If we can, where are the flash kicks and sonic booms and psycho crushers that
made street fighter what it is? If we can't, then why are you doing that?

The movie concludes with the obligatory attack on Bison's fortress. Curiously for a street fighter movie, this involves very few street-based fights, substituting instead a bland and unimaginative fire fight. If I were to string together every Kimbo Slice underground boxing video the resulting product would contain not only more street fights than this entire movie, but also by comparison come across as a work of staggering depth and genius.

Ultimately this movie is a train wreck, not worth the cost of admission. This is a street fighter movie that attempts to tell an origin story- while using as few fights as possible and ignoring every character's established origin. Even if you snuck into the movie theatre, you've wasted your time. All right, all right- I understand that it's a Street Fighter movie, so its almost impossible for it to be good, but this is above and beyond what I've come to expect as far as shattered childhood hopes go.

-Orson

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